11-2-18 Raw

 Can't fight this feeling anymore

sometimes emotions just come out of nowhere and take you by surprise.

one minute your crying like an idiot and the next madder then a hornet.

shitty situations press some crazy emotions onto ones heart and soul

a person, one person can just take your heart and rip it completely in two.

hurting more then you've ever experienced before and the pain and heartache

is simply too much to bear some nights.

can't believe he told me he loved me and yet not act like it. was I that much of

a liar too? Did I truly not love him? no, I  believe this hurts to much for my

love to be fake. he doesn't want me, doesn't love me. it stings, it will be the death

of me. I can't keep loving and losing people. my heart is just not strong enough

for this continual cycle of pain. I will just grow numb and never let anyone in

sometimes you just can't fight feelings anymore. but what happens when they're

one sided? he doesn't feel good enough for me. how can that be? he is more then

enough and I can't live without him. but i guess I  have too. why? why, this cycle

of love and hurt all the damn time? I just can't hold out much longer before I

fall apart forever and for good. the tears feel good to run but i can't hide them

forever. I acted on a feeling, but a real feeling of love and right now I feel like

such a one sided fool! I thought for once I had found someone who would fight

equally as hard for me and would fight for me always and forever.

how do I not hate him for breaking my heart. even though he's younger does

not mean he is incapable of feeling. I just wish he felt the same. This has been

years of on and off imagining he would love me but won't.

I just can't believe I let my heart go and be free and try to be happy again when

happiness is also just a feeling and a very rare, special one at that. I am just not

worth all this. I have managed to destroy a friendship! I am just so worthless and

am not worthy of happiness it seems. I have lost it all. I've forgotten what I've

started fighting for. Nothing left but family. family will never break your heart.

just live to please and help family and their will be no hurt.

i'm such an idiot, just a stupid idiot. never good enough for anyone. just enough

to make my girlfriends smile and find joy. 

"He rejected me, how could he reject me?" 

"Is there something wrong with me?"

Those were my thoughts as the realization that I would 

never be enough came crashing down around me.

I was in partly shock, partly bitter because this had happened. 

I was just as guilty as the rest (as it goes sin brings great pain)

I am sad to say I acted like a defeated puppy after being pushed away. 

I dwelt on the pain and hurt this rejection brought to my heart and 

I accepted the pit of self pity. Resenting the fact that I put my heart 

on the line again and was again, disappointed and unfulfilled. 

Eventually the heart gets tired of the pain, hopelessness and weariness 

of carrying those unnecessary burdens God NEVER intended me to carry.  

The lies the devil dealt me I accepted and never fought with the truth found in the Word. 

I accepted the lies;

  that I wasn't good enough. 

 that I was so guilty of so much I could never have a future & a hope

 that God would not give me something or someone better

that prayer was NOT important and God was gonna do what He wanted regardless of me

that holding onto the anger would someday bring revenge

that He would take away everyone I loved so I withdrew from people

so much can change in a year.....

"But that is not the way you learned Christ!---assuming that you have heard about Him and were taught in Him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness."  
Ephesians 4:20-24